


Belief

by Tolbiac



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-05 01:02:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17315129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tolbiac/pseuds/Tolbiac
Summary: Another New Years, and an odd conversation in the lead-up to the countdown.





	Belief

Courfeyrac’s New Year’s parties were legendary. All of Courf’s parties were legendary in their own rights, but when one night can be continually celebrated for 24 hours, it was something special. 

One year there were ten parrots. They appeared and disappeared like  _ magic _ .

Grantaire was out on the roof, feeling the music beneath him. There was a constant stream of people, deciding it was better to smoke up here in the cold than deal with either Enjolras’s glare, or Joly’s panicked yelps everytime someone lit up. Bahorel had claimed the inflatable crocodile for his own, ignoring everyone as he attempted to surf it down the stairs.

“You’ve been up here a while.” A voice startled Grantaire out of his daze. Enjolras was sitting down next to him, holding a cider in his hand. “Everything okay?”

Grantaire nodded, dragging his attention away from Bahorel. It was so easy to concentrate on Enjolras when he wasn’t aware, but it was a natural reflex to cave in on himself when Enjolras’s attention was on him, difficult to pretend he had a voice, that he could meet Enjolras’s eyes. “Yeah, just y’know, wondering how many people Bahorel will take down with him.” He huffed a laugh, putting his cigarette back up to his lips. “And what brings you up here? Isn’t this your no go area, I mean…” He gestured at the cigarette. “We’re polluting up here.”

Enjolras flinched slightly, unable to stop the way his eyes narrowed at the smoke. “It’s your life, and I wanted an escape.” Enjolras shrugged, and Grantaire watched him, taking in the easy movements. Confidence, it was a killer combination with ferocity. “Plus, Courf was talking about Spin the Bottle, and I’m not 14 anymore.”

Grantaire snorted, flicking a bit of ash off the building. “Want your kisses to mean something?”

Enjolras gave him a piercing stare. Too much, that look that gave the impression he was reading his very core. “Is that such a bad thing? To want it to mean something?”

“Not everything has to mean something. But, you do you.” Grantaire held Enjolras’s gaze, his hand shaking as he flicked more ash. “I’m sure every person you ever kissed meant something.”

“Maybe not when I was 14.” Enjolras’s lips quirked. “Don’t yours?”

“Yes.” Grantaire gave in. “My love is freely given, but always has belief.” He laughed. “No point in love without belief.”

“Tell me about them.” Enjolras surprised him, taking a drink from his bottle. Grantaire stared, mouth open. Enjolras laughed then, pushing his hair out of his face. “Seriously. Tell me about all the people you’ve loved.”

“Um…” Grantaire swallowed. “The list is short. Like, I’m 28 and I’ve only ever loved five people.” He clenched his fist, willing it to stop shaking. Enjolras was smiling, like he’d said something funny.”

“For me it’s one, and I’m only a year younger. But that’s a secret, don’t let Courf or Bahorel know. Or Jehan, they’d all want to set me up on dates.” Enjolras slid further down the wall, resting his head on the top, legs out and ankles crossed. “Tell me about those five and I’ll tell you about that one.”

Grantaire nodded, stubbing his cigarette out. “The first one was a girl called Juliette. I was 15, and she was a year older, but she was kind, y’know? I was that weirdo kid at school, and my mum had just done a runner, and it just felt nice that someone actually meant to be kind? I knew that she didn’t mean it in any way, but even when I feel that the world is just wrong, she is there to remind me that people can be kind.” He tapped his fingers against his legs. “It was then a quick succession, Jehan for a little bit, they made me actually believe in love, and still does. I just confused that with love for them. Um, there was Manon, she was the one that made me believe in passion? I was in a really bad place, and felt nothing. And she made me feel something, and she then made me feel passionate. She’s why I went back to boxing.” He could see Enjolras drop his eyes to his hands briefly, his mouth twisting a little. He knows Enjolras doesn’t like violence for needless sake, but boxing always made him feel just a little clearer.

“And the fourth?” Enjolras asked quietly. Grantaire nodded, fingers not stilling.

“The fourth was David, he was the belief of intention. He intended to change the world, and he changed me for a little. But y’know how that one ends.” Grantaire grimaced. “I never thanked you properly for that.”

Enjolras shook his head, looking up at the sky. “No thanks needed. I did what I did for a friend, I have my thanks in you still being here.” Enjolras seemed to shake himself, looking back at Grantaire. “The fifth must be love from afar, because I know you haven’t been with anyone since  _ him _ .” Enjolras ended on a sneer.

“Ah,  _ mon cinquième amor _ . Now, he gave me the greatest belief of all. He taught me  _ belief _ . There was no point in kindness, or love, or passion, or even intention if there is no belief. And I think I do now. Maybe not in the world, I don’t think even you could change my mind on that, but belief in people. Belief in myself, which I will never be able to thank him for.” Grantaire smiled, looking up at the stars. “He helped me to help myself.”

“And who is this mysterious man?” Enjolras asked. Grantaire shook his head, looking over.

“Ah Enjolras, I wish I could say. But sometimes things are seen best from afar, you might start to see the cracks close up. And I don’t want him to see the cracks in me.”

Enjolras frowned. “In you? What about in him?”

“I know where his cracks are, he signposts them for the world to see, to prove he’s human. He believes flaws are what makes us stronger. He’s ethereal because of it.” Grantaire stopped, fingers still tapping. “That’s my five. What about your one?”

Enjolras took a breath, almost as if he was steeling himself. Why? What could be so bad that Enjolras could be worried about what  _ he _ thought?

“It’s the same as you I suppose. Love from afar. It took me a while, I’m not the easiest of people, and neither is he.” Enjolras laughed, suddenly, sharp and clear in the night air. “That’s maybe what it was, at the start. Eventually, most people around me back down. He never did, and it infuriated me. But he drew me in, and he made me believe in people. I already believed in humanity, but I so rarely looked at a person and saw just them. It’s like he said ‘no, look at me and see my personhood’. And he’s right, individuals make a group. You can’t just go through life and not see that.” Enjolras stopped, and Grantaire could see how tight his hands were on his bottle. “I’d like to thank him for that.”

“Why don’t you?” Grantaire asked. “He must realize how much he means to you.”

“I don’t think he does. You said it was better to see from afar. And this isn’t about cracks, but… I don’t want to bring him down.”

Grantaire snorted suddenly, unable to stop himself. “Bring him down? Enjolras, do you even know yourself?”

Enjolras’s piercing gaze was back on him, a frown creasing. “I’m not infallible Grantaire. I don’t stand on a pedestal.” He sighed. “Maybe I’m just scared.”

Grantaire watched him, a million thoughts going through his mind. He knew that he’d never be the one that Enjolras fell for, and there was that stab of hurt that he’d be anticipating. It was cushioned somehow though, as part of him realised that Enjolras had told  _ him _ all of this.

_ He’s drunk _ .

But not really.

_ It’s not you _ .

...But maybe that was okay.

Voices started below them, and Grantaire looked up. They were completely alone, the hatch to the apartment barely open.

_ Ten… Nine… Eight… _

Grantaire took a deep breath, looking back at Enjolras. “You should be brave.”

“What?” Enjolras frowned.

“About him. You should be brave. You’re a better person than I think you believe, you won’t bring him down. So be brave. Go and find him.” Grantaire’s hands were still shaking, but maybe they would in the days (months, years) to come. Enjolras was still looking at him, not moving.

_ Five… Four… Three… _

“Enjolras, go! Find him!” Grantaire motioned towards the door, but still Enjolras sat.

_ One… Happy New Year!! _

He could hear the cheers below him, around him as Paris celebrated. He could hear them, but they were getting drowned out by the white noise, his mind blanking as Enjolras was still looking at him, and then suddenly… he was being kissed, hands on his face dragging him in. It was almost unbearable, it was intoxicating, it was…

_ Perfect _ .

Time seemed to still, to distort around them. He could still hear people cheering around them, the sound of the fireworks going off at the  _ Tour Eiffel _ , but there was nothing more important in this minute, this second, that kissing Enjolras. Kissing Enjolras was like life was being breathed into him, and drowning at the same time. It was everything he’d imagined, and he had no idea how to breathe. His entire perspective on life changed in a second, there was suddenly nothing that could compare.

Enjolras pulled back just slightly, far enough that Grantaire tried to chase. He could feel Enjolras’s gaze on him, and it was easier to look into his eyes this time. There was nothing that could be pulled from him, there was nothing he could hide anymore.

“It’s you, Grantaire. It’s always been you.” Enjolras spoke in a whisper, and it was the loudest thing Grantaire had ever heard.

_ It’s you, Grantaire. It’s always been you. _

_ It’s you. _

“It’s you as well Enjolras. God, you’ve ruined me.” Grantaire couldn’t stop the words. “I’ve been ruined, no-one else is ever going to compare.”

“Good.” Enjolras grinned. “I don’t plan on sharing.”

  
  



End file.
